Hope, coupled with compassion, ...

Soul Searching

“I searched for you

Where spirits poured like rivers

Into seas of smiles

But laughter quickly turned to screams.

So I looked for you in cathedrals

Where your image was proudly displayed.

But only found the mourning mothers

Who’d lost children in your name.

So I drowned myself in the riches of the world.

For if we kill for gold, silver, and stones, they must surely make us happy.

But alas, it was the deepest of holes

And my platinum chains enslaved me.

Then my quest led me to the quietest meadow

Where surely peace flowed with the streams.

But the waters and the fields were stained

With blood shed between West and East.

Then I thought for certain

Crowds would relieve my sorrows.

But I only found souls more lost than my own.

Content to beg, to steal, to borrow.

I never found comfort in the darkness

Nor did I find it in the light.

I never felt you in my weakness.

Although I tried, God, How I tried.

When I thought I’d finally given in to the belief

That we were simply here by chance

That love and hate had no place in truth,

Then of you, I caught a glance.

A stranger knelt to wrap her arms

Around the mother who’d lost her son.

No army had the man who made his stand

Demanding the war would not go on.

A man of riches plenty

Gave to the beggar all he had.

And a child to his weaker brother,

Simply offered him a hand.

Hope cannot be examined

Through the science of a lens.

Compassion cannot be bottled and sold

Nor can these be forced to end.

And so through these simple laws,

Faith, hope, and above all, love.

We still have, however small, a chance

Of changing the heartbreak we’ve become.”

I’d forgotten how much I do enjoy writing.

“Though Pensmore may appear impressive to some

To me it’s like something insane.

A residence with seventy-some-thousand square feet

In Highlandville, Missouri some say.

While it’s providing jobs for a lot of workers

What’s the purpose of it all, I ask?

When there’s so many million who cannot find jobs.

Is it to put the owner’s name on the map?

Would a castle this size, once it’s finished

Make me happy or just feel alone?

Isolated from the rest of the world.

What guests would I invite to my home?

Would I limit them mostly to being VIPs

And invite them far in advance?

Those whom would fly to Springfield on their jets

Whom some would see at a glance?

When I see a world which is hurting

And a mansion being built of this size

Would I really want to draw all that attention

Or to live out my life in disguise?

I’m glad that its owner has found his success.

According to the eyes of the world.

But if it were myself, I would rather help others

Than to watch how my ego unfurls.

I believe that our blessings come from our ‘Lord’

That he wants all men to succeed.

Then to turn around, go out, and bless others.

Those whom have much less than me.”

~ Jimmy Luhm

I read this in the Community Free Press paper today. It is people like this that let me know that good does still exist in this world. That if only we could capture the voice and spirit of such, there is still hope for tomorrow.

You can have a choice in what you believe.

     It seems so strange to me when someone calls me an optimist. Perhaps because I spent so long being exactly the opposite.

     I’m not always that way. Optimistic, that is. In fact, it seems to be something I really have to work at, although it does get easier as i continue to do it. But I hit my low points, just as low as any good pessimist, and can’t see an ounce of good for the life of me. To the point that I self destruct.

     So it would seem that an optimist, I am not.

     However…

     I am driven, and I am passionate. And above all, I am hopeful.

     No matter how angry or desperate I find myself to be, there is always that faint voice that passes like a small breeze. It always seems to whisper that there is still so much to be done. That great things can still be accomplished, if only I can learn from each situation. If I can only find the wisdom and compassion to be discovered, then each moment of despair, is really just a lesson left to be learned. Then, somehow, as even the smallest breeze can stir a freshly raked pile of leaves, this whisper stirs the very essence of my soul.

    That voice will be there until the day I’m gone. So as long as there is a even the faintest beat left in my heart, I will hope.

    A funny thing, hope is.

    One hundred years ago, the idea that racial segregation would be so nearly extinct as it is today was insanity. But someone did dare to be insane. Somewhere, hope was ignited within their souls, and hope gave way to courage, then to action, perseverance, and eventually, success.

    Because there is still so much to be done, I will continue to do.

    I fear becoming the person who cries for change, but never actively involves themselves in it. Please don’t misunderstand me. For some, that is enough, and I hold nothing against them for that. Some are simply kind to those whose paths they cross, and because that seems so rare and precious a jewel these in our world today, I hold so much love and respect for them.

    Still, I know that my life will have gone unfulfilled if that is all I ever am.

    So, again, I’m no optimist. Only a realist who has learned that hope, coupled with compassion, holds the only chance we have at saving anything.

Some days…

…It seems nothing could convince you that you’re on the wrong path. Life is great, things are going the way they’re supposed to, and love is on your side. But true to its nature, the weather’s bound to change. The dark clouds roll in, and you can’t seem to find any ray of sunlight through all of the rain that pounds your face and blurs your vision. The wind seems to scream of your short comings, and you can no longer wade through the flood of your uncertainties.

In these times you want nothing more than to let the waves take you under, hold you there until it finally steals any fight you had left. There is such a strong desire to simply give up and let go. So why,then, do your feet continue to move, and you press on and on against the water, moving seemingly nowhere? Do we even truly know how to give up? There is evidence that it is possible. But we continually underestimate that tiny glimmer of something in the darkness…hope. The horns may be blaring, and the walls shaking, giving you every reason to believe the train is barrelling towards you. Yet still you’ll push on, convinced that the light may just be the way out.

Please let it be the way out.

Restless…

…is the one word I know to describe exactly how I’m feeling right now. I don’t even have school to occupy my time, so I feel like I’m at a standstill right now. Which I hate. This may have been the longest weekend of my life. I had noone to share it with, and my kids were at their dad’s, which left me with plenty of time to think. This may sound like a good thing, but believe you me, my brain never stops thinking. However,in the midst of all my thinking, I have planned a trip to Denver in June with my closest friend. So far, the trip looks a little like this.

Drive from Springfield MO to Denver CO

Attempt the 9,000 ft hot air balloon ride.(Photos 1 & 2. Talk about extreme hot air ballooning!)

Climb Crestone Needle. (Photos 3 & 4. A mountain hike about three hours outside of Denver. It’s about a 5 hour strenuous hike round trip, and the view from the top is beautiful.)

We also plan to visit the art museum, experience the night life downtown, enjoy a little wine tasting, and see where else our journey might take us. Sigh…June cannot come fast enough!

A turn around…or just turned around?

   Christmas is over, and I now have nothing to keep my mind off of the situation at hand. The new year is approaching quickly, and I am left alone with my thoughts, for just a couple more hours, until my beautiful children walk through my front door. They have their whole lives ahead of them, and while I’m still young, I feel I’ve already settled into a life I swore I’d never lead. It’s amazing how, in just a few years, I’ve thrown all of my dreams away, and have dove into making everybody else’s come true.

   Keith is gone. The first guy to ever walk out on me. I should’ve known…we were too much alike. He did exactly what I’ve done in past relationships. Saw a crack, and shut down, packed up when he first saw that opportunity. I guess a part of me knew I had it coming someday. The problem here, however, is that I don’t think I miss him, so much as I’m scared of always being alone. A 21 year old stripper with two children. While school shows the potential of leading me down another road at some point, it leaves me without even time to offer. So what is left…my love? I’m not sure that I have ever truly loved anyone except my children. Maybe I’m not capable? Maybe I’m too afraid.

   Whatever it is, doesn’t matter now. I have two options. Dive head first into another man, or struggle to fulfill my own future. There is already another man lined up, wanting and waiting to become a significant part of my life. It seems that normal people want someone to love and love them back, a family and, well, normality. I’m beginning to wonder if I am normal. This is not to say that I do not want a family or stability. More than anything, I want my children to grow up in a stable household, with a mother and a father. But that’s for them. What about for me? Do I want to live the life of a mother and wife, go to work, come home, take care of babies, and lead a life of monotony that so many others seem to crave? No. I want to see the world. I want to change the world. I want to lay on my death bed and know that there is nothing that I wanted to do that I did not. I want to know that my life did not go to waste, and in the process, made so many other lives worthwhile.

    So where’s the happy medium? How do I fulfill my dreams, while still raising my children to fulfill theirs? I keep telling myself that there must be a man who wants the same things out of life that I do. But, alas, I have yet to find one. I have yet to find a man that even wants to take on the responsibilities of children that aren’t his own, much less the responsibilities that would come with being my partner. So much of what I want would be so much better if I had a love to share it with. I would love to say that I did something on my own, have something that was simply mine. But then I realize that it is nothing, if there is noone standing beside you to appreciate the effort you put in.

   There is an old italian joke. A man goes to visit the statue of a god in a temple every day. Every day he asks “Please let me win the lottery”. Eventually the exasperated statue comes to life and says, “My son, please,please,please buy a ticket.”

   So I’ll buy a thousand tickets if I have to. And maybe somewhere along the way, I will find someone to share them with.

The world keeps spinning

Whether or not you can keep up…

     I have no job. Thankyou Missouri lawmakers. The desperation’s setting in. Where do I go from here? I have few options. I can drop out of school and get a 9 to 5 that barely pays the bills. I can pray that I find a job waitressing at nights,again barely paying the bills. But atleast then I could finish school. Or I could….well,those are the only options I’m seeing as of now.

    Rent’s already late. In fact, all of my bills have “past due” stamped on them. I have to be up for class in three hours and can’t sleep for stressing.

     I know this sounds like a poor me blog. It’s truly not. I’m just desperate for any outlet I can find.

    So….what now?

Happy Birthday to me!